CH 58
I want to just sit here and stare at my screen like it is you. What kind of person are you woman? What kind of material are you made of? What is this? You wrote months of progress in just one chapter and didn’t use words like “a year later” - “next month” - “three weeks later” You put there hints for us to know. For people who know by heart what happened when. You made it pretty. How I love your style. You have to admit. It’s unique. And teach me how to make mine unique, too because I’m getting at the end of the ways to tell you how awesome you are.
I’ve never felt more proud of any Bella before. The effort she shows without making it known is absolutely impressive. Bella fights. For herself. For him. For Grace. I’m not surpised by that. But I’m surprised that she is doing it by herself. Which is more admirable. Edward talked with her like that and gave her the choice. I think, the more she didn’t come back to him, the more he assumed she chose otherwise. I don’t know. I would. I believe, when she shows up at the end of the chapter, over a year later, Edward feels utterly surprised. How could he not?
• "For a shrink, you sure as shit don't listen. If he has her and I haven't seen her in months, then what makes you assume that I am with him? That he wants me? Do you just not listen?"
- She thinks he doesn’t. She assumes he doesn’t. I don’t believe that he doesn’t.
• And 'Sir' is all of twenty two and still pimple-faced. I bet he whacks off to Britney Spears or that Disney broad with the tile-teeth.
- Made me smile.
• Move my ass. Move my ass. Oh, if I moved my ass, I could make rent in an hour. I could pay my stupid fucking debt to school in two. I could be…
- Did I say I’m proud of her? When you know a easy way, it doesn’t matter acceptable or not, it’s hard not to choose it when things get hard to go on. But she did. I am so happy.
• They wish it were soft and strong and warm. They wished it smelled of lavender and trust and comfort. There is just me.
- Break my heart. Go on and break it into pieces. Don’t hesitate. Make her say “There is just me” and end me.
• I ask the pillow. "Aren't I?"
- Into the Dani box.
• I raise my wrist and shake it about. "He gave me this so I wouldn't forget." "Forget what?" I lower my face and don't feel so victorious any more. I curl back into my friend, the pillow. “That I was." "Was what, Bella?" I talk to the thread. "Worthy."
- I can’t even begin to explain how happy I am she did not forget.
• She smiles and there is a new paper. His name is not on it. He is not at my side.
- Go ahead. Make me miserable. His name is not on it. He did pay the rent. On time. Every month. But now. His name is not on it. Fucking pain.
• it is cheap and convenient
- convenient as in that’s what I’m worty of convenient or convenient because closer to work kind of convenient.
• I want to punch him in the goddamn face and tell him to go fuck himself. I want to run to my father. I want to tell him he is a piece of shit drunk. I want to find Cullen and hide under his arm. "Get back to work, Swan."
- Made me choke on my breath. Want to run to dad. Find Cullen and hide under his arm. And then, "Get back to work, Swan." Fucking motherfucking fuck. She is so lonely.
• I lower myself down and have no leaves to brush away. I note the footprints in the ground and I know who they belong to. I know who has been here and I know why my father's grave is clean and well cared for.
- That’s a very Cullen thing to continue over a year. I don’t know even one single person who would do this.
• I see another teddy bear and a note. A 'grandpa' in perfect script and a picture. A balloon and I don't even time to stop myself before the pain rips from my chest, tearing a hole big enough to fit the universe in. And my tears aren't tears because I feel sorry for myself. My pain isn't my own and my pain isn't really even pain. It is gratefulness and stupidity and regret. It is time I allowed to pass and calls I should have made to just simply say that I was sorry and that I love you and that I am trying. I am trying.
- From the moment she saw the teddy bear, till the last ‘I’m trying’, it felt like an earthquake. Fast. Strong.
• I fall against where I want to be and just say all my sorries to the only person who can't hear them. The only person who would still accept me after all I have done.
- More tears.
• "Falling is just a part of life."
- Has more than one meaning. A person never stop needing to remember it till her/his last breath.
• mother hasn't fixed on one of his patches.
- Fucking mother can’t fix any shit. She is only good at fucking them up.
• There is so much of him and Cullen in her.
- My heart. God! Remember the hospital scene from Twiligh the book. Her heart picks up when he kisses her and this time, she could also hear it because of the monitoring shit. I wish, I could monitor my heart reading UTAT and measure its hits.
• I get out and close the truck door like I am about to sneak up on someone.
- Details. Details. Wonderful, amazing, very real details.
• He sits in a booth. Not at a table with a wobbly leg. There is a girl who would need a sturdy table. He is bringing a spoon to her mouth and smiling. He is wiping her face and she is swatting his hands away and he is laughing and happy. He is touching her face and my eyes have found strength again. They blur and I don't want to miss it. I blink to clear them and then my cheeks.
- Sad oh God. So fucking sad. And how amazing to be able to see him with her like that. I cherish evet picture you put Edward and Grace together. Her cheeks smushing against her shoulder. He touching her smiling. She staring at him intently. How beautiful they both are together.
• I am there, I can't breathe as his eyes lift and meet mine. His hand stops moving on the table and the mess is forgotten. His eyes roam down, over my clothing and then slowly back up. I have to breathe.
- I was holding my breath and was not aware of it till the moment she said “I have to breath”
And know I’m holding my breath again. Remember, I said in my last review that I’ve never wanted the next chapter more. Yeah, Ditto.