CH 59
I have searched desperately for her. I have spent my Sundays in church asking for her. I have spent my evenings trying to convince a child that she exists. I have spent month after month trying to convince myself she exists.
- I didn’t thought he did. The idea of Shullen asking for her in church made my heart sob.
I note the length of her hair. It's a little bit shorter. Her complexion seems brighter. Her skin softer, if that were possible.
- You know, when someone points out things in Grace looks like Bella. My heart breaks. When Bella sees them through the window and notices little things in Grace resembles to Edward, it breaks my heart, too. Now, Edward noticing the things changed in Swan and the things remained the same… Breaks my heart, too. Yeah, very fucking breakable.
And I am trying not to find her amusing. I'm trying not to smile at her ramble and the relief that floods through me when I hear she is on the straight and narrow. I am kicking the shit out of myself for thinking otherwise.
- He was scared. Oh sweet Edward. He was afraid that she was lost again. That’s why he asked for her, desperately. This and many more other reasons.
Everything. Where have you been Bella? What have you done? Who have you become? Why didn't you call me and tell me. Why did you lock me out? Why did you miss Grace's christening and her birthday. That first Christmas and her wobbly legs. Why?
- Why? Why the hell? I don’t know but… Mentioning those wobbly legs gave me a wobbly chin. God damn it!
I can't help but to hold my tongue and simply stare. The tip of my finger begs to reach over and wipe the black smudge from the corner of her eye.
- I love the image of Edward simply staring at her. After all these times. Just looking at her. No words. Loved that part.
I want to dip my napkin in the glass of water on the table and erase the lines where there used to be rosy cheeks. I want to take her hand into mine and see if it still feels the same.
- Gave me a sad smile.
"What the hell are you doing here?" And the scared look in her eyes tell me that is Alice.
- The scared look in her eyes was my undoing. I can’t stand it. She lets Alice to act like this, because on some level, she thinks she is right. That level breaks my heart.
Bella is looking towards the window. The reflection shows me her fear and her embarrassment.
- Into the box. Reflections showing things. Fucking perfect.
Her face looks towards mine. I see the clear back in her eyes and a chin that resembles Grace's legs.
- Into the box, again. For not using a ordinary adjective and making your own adjective. Who knew chins look like legs? Who knew?
I extend my free hand to her. She looks at it like that first day. And this where we either go forward or backwards. And I feel like I am watching my own life in slow motion. As she scoots from the booth. As she fixes her clothes. As she grabs her bag. As she places her palm down inside of mine. As my fingers hold on to her hand and nothing and yet everything has changed.
- I hold my breath, the . whole . time.
Bella is at my side. And I am once again fighting for a girl who stopped fighting for us. What am I doing? What the hell am I doing? I keep walking. I feel her feet slow as we exit Alice's bakery. She lets go of my hand. And here it comes. Here it fucking comes. Break my heart Bella. Go on. Here it comes.
- Stabbed with a “And I am once again fighting for a girl who stopped fighting for us.” There was blood.
But, she doesn't pay attention to me and my thoughts. She doesn't look at me. She doesn't turn and run. She is just looking at the eyes that are looking at her, over my shoulder. And I swear, I hate her and love her and want to slap her and hug her and I want to walk away while yelling at her that she isn't worthy of those eyes. I want to carry Grace to my car and hide her away and tell Bella to go back from where she came from.
- That was magical. This little girl has magical eyes and everytime she looks at something, there is magic.
I do what I say and she won't break me and she won't win. She won't turn me into something I am not and so fine. I talk to Grace how we talk. I ask her how I ask her things and she answers me how she answers me. She talks how she talks. We understand each other how we understand each other.
- How he treats her like a grown up. Shullen never will cease to amaze me.
And her answer is arms that want to accept someone she doesn't know beyond pictures and short stories. Through pictures I found in old newspapers of Chief Swan, who is also Grandpa. Or would have been. She had to know whose eyes she had. And they are the same.
- Tears. He did those, right? Of course he did. If there is anyone he would these, it’s Edward. Fucking stupid eyes.
And she must love the way Bella's hair smells because that is where her face is. She must love the warmth of her neck and Bella must have figured out what it is to actually love and give a shit about something and realize what the hell she has missed because she holds that blessing like she should have a fucking year ago.
- No words. Just perfect.
And words…words seem rather dull. Rather superfluous. Rather pale, in comparison to action. To proof before my eyes. To rhythms in my heart and speedy pulse rates. To underlined happiness and how light my shoulders feel; seeing caramel heads of hair highlighted under the sun. Arms and how simple gestures and affection speak. Mouths and how tiny kisses have never been bigger. Tears and how crocodiles cannot been seen, for they flood in my own and I have to press my tongue to the roof of my mouth to stop it.
- I have to press my tongue to the roof of my mouth to stop it. It’s scary how easy it’s sometimes, isn’t it? And we had to stop ourselves just because we are afraid of getting hurt again. Rightfully. But again. It’s shocking, how easy it is sometimes. To love someone. No matter what.
And I see how my words cut. But my defenses and my history with her produced them. She nods. She doesn't spout off at the mouth. She just nods and looks like a scared little girl who is being scolded.
- There was blood, again. And this scolded little girl makes my heart clench just like scared look in Bella’s eyes does.
And she is back to talking to her hands. "I'll have more next time."
- Again. So very Dani. Talking to her hands. You snap pictures with perfect details and with even more perfect focus. Love you. So much.
I toss the envelope to the coffee table.
- Felt like a slap. Even though he had a point.
She looks up at me and I know she wants to yell. I know I'm pissing her off and maybe I am doing it on purpose. I'm not sure. Maybe I am trying to push her away. Maybe I get some sick joy out of watching her squirm or maybe I have just lost my damn mind. Maybe I'm just still pissed off at her and want it to burn her. Maybe I just can't accept that she is doing what I wanted. Maybe I am just building walls incase she does run, again.
- Great analyses. So very true.
I turn my head for a second. Maybe two. Three.
- Gave me a smile. Or two. Maybe three.
Grace is holding Bella's hands, trying to keep her balance and Bella lets go. As soon as her legs get shaky, Bella grips her waist and then, that's where the laughing comes from. Bella's. And I forget what the hell I was looking for. I join them on the floor and play along. After a few exchanges of hands, Bella looks over to me.
- Pictures, pictures… perfect pictures.
Grace holds a block up to Bella. Her eyes go there and she smiles. She takes the block.
- Why the hell the interaction between Grace and anyone gave me teary eyes? I know it’s not because she is deaf. I have two deaf cousins, communicate with them perfectly. Learned some cool sign language from them. And I know deep inside my heart that, my reason for loving them is not because of they are deaf. And they also know it, perfectly clear. So that’s not the reason behind my crumbling heart around Grace. She is my weakness.
"Is it okay if I use the bathroom first? I don't think I've peed since this morning." I laugh and nod. "Hurry. Grace has waited all day for you."
- Bella bella. Hello there.
"You fucking bitch. You fucking bitch." And old Bella returns. She shoves Angela and I have to put Grace on the bed and pull her away.
- Oh, forget about before. You came now. Hello Bella Bella
My words unintentionally slap her face. "And you have plenty of reasons to not believe me….right, Cullen?"
- Fuck! Don’t hurt her.
And it's the first time she's said my name since she's come back. The first real sign that Bella wants to protect her child and the first time she has made a reference to her being ours.
- Made me smile.
"You have ten minutes to pack your things before I call the authorities to escort you out of my home."
- It’s a very Shullen way to say Fuck. Off!
She laughs a little and it's adorable. Warm. Her eyes. Goddamn.
- Warmed my insides.
The claim I still feel for her. The need my arm has to reach over and allow it to rest on the back of her chair. I am like an animal who wants to mark territory that isn't mine.
- Gave me silent giggles.
And I have to look over. I have to have my face just inches from hers. I have to breathe in order to answer her and when I do, it's the scent of her hair and her skin. The shine of her lips, so close, so pink. That little bit of unsure and scared that lives eternally inside the caramel…. And my napkin is my savior as I hold on to it and do not touch her. Do not move back the piece of hair that blocks her face from fully being shown. Do not brush the back of my fingers to her cheek that is begging for assurance. Do not place my lips on her nose or chin and goddamn.
- Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! A god damn year passed. They must be dying around each other without being able to touch one another. I know I would.
Her eyes are just looking at my mouth.
- Could we blame the girl? Nope! And fucking nope.
I am about to say something when I feel something on my leg, all of a sudden. It kind of hurts. "Uhhh…" I look down quickly. It's Bella's fingers curling tightly. Her face is dead locked on Dr. Stanley. I discreetly reach down and slide my finger to relieve the pain, uncurling her fingers. "Not really.
- Was she Mike’s wife? Was Bella afraid that she’ll remember her? I thought so but I was not sure.
I squeeze Bella's fingers. She squeezes them back and then we let go.
- Gave me a sweet smile like mothers have when their boys bring a girl to home for the first time.
I smile a little. I pick up my own coffee mug. "I concur with my father." I take a sip and then watch as the remaining doctors start to nod. An older man, picks up his mug and nods towards my father. "I concur with Dr. Cullen as well." And the table is a round of "I concurs". I glance over to Bella and she glances over to me. Her smile lights up my heart. She leans over. "That was fucking amazing."
- Fucking hilarious.
I find her fingers under the table. I lace mine into hers. "I concur." She laughs and so do I. And so do I.
- *deep.sigh* Admit that you are good. Admit it. Right fucking know. Write me back and say ‘I concur’