CH. 60
I have a stupid smile on my face and I can’t help it. And I don’t want to. Seriously. Like a big. Goofy. Full of teeth smile. A smile, pushes my cheeks up and makes my eyes looks smaller smile. A smile, I would have, if had cum in my pants smile. I would say sorry for being kinda gross but I’m too smily to feel sorry. So.. yeah. Best chapter ever!!!! After hell broke lose. Best.possible.chapter.ever. I dare you to proove me wrong.
win – win.
He licks the spoon and shakes his head. "It was your word." Grace tosses a toy from her highchair. He laughs. "She concurs."
- I love playful Edward. I always have. And licking spoon playfulness is a bonus.
I walk to the sink and rinse it clean, then dry it. He dumps the pasta next to me, draining off the water. I can't help but to watch him. The way his face cringes a little at the steam hitting it. He is still so ridiculously handsome.
- I loved this picture. They work side tos ide. Like they live together. It’s giving me hope. And I concur. He is ridiculously handsome.
"She was always a fan you doing well in school." "What?" He shakes the colander. "Grace. I still remember the day you passed your GED. She kicked you." He looks over and smiles at me.
- This one gave me a smile sounded something between choking and sobbing.
And the way he asks makes my insides burn. "I was scared." "Of?" I look at the sauce stain on his shirt. "Of everything. I wasn't sure if you even wanted to talk to me. And I guess….I guess just didn't want the answer to that question." He's silent and I don't know what that means. When I chance a look at his face to find out, I know that look and I'm not worthy of it yet. I haven't done enough to be deserving of it. I have a lot further to go.
- I love them best when they are being honest. I always admired their honesty towards each other and themselves. And then they lost a little bit of it. And now they are gaining i back. And it feels fucking good. And I want to add goofy grins at the end of every line and a big I love you written with neon lights.
He shakes his head and steps out further. "I'm saying it wasn't fair. My perception and my own desire for you to be something, it wasn't fair. I painted you in my mind as a picture that you weren't ready to be in, for my own selfishness. My own need for that. For someone. I expected you to be…perfect…like you said….when I wasn't perfect, or complete myself. All of the things I buried, that I never dealt with in my marriage. With my own biological mother and family…I expected you to do so much, when I had done nothing myself….."It does," he argues. "It does matter. And those things are easy for me because that is the part of my life that wasn't messed up. What I am good at. Being a doctor. Putting on a face. Doing things for others, when I neglect myself. That is easy for me. We both have masks Bella, but just because mine leans towards trying to prove that I am worth something, and yours, the latter, it still doesn't make it fair. It doesn't make me better. It's the same difference, just with different results and yet the same destructiveness. So who am I to judge."
- I painted you in my mind as a picture that you weren't ready to be in…Those things are easy for me because that is the part of my life that wasn't messed up. What I am good at. When you read a story. You read words. And see a pictures painted by words. But when it starts moving and giving you emotions and lettng you know the emotions behind the picture, it tend to be perfect. For weeks now, I’m listing my reasons why you and why UTAT. That’s another member of that list. To be able to give the reader the reflection of this kind of inner struggle is just… goddamn good. Like, ‘Even I didn’t imagine’ good.
And my mouth is at a loss. My brain can't comprehend his thoughts. Thank God for his face. Those eyes. His hands hold tightly to the dishrag. The rain falls hard on the ground. The sky protests against something. I step forward and I say what my voice can't seem to. I haven't earned his mouth yet. I settle for the place beside it, somewhere not quite his cheek, but close. And I hold my face to his and just want to die. I want to stay and I want to put my arms around him. I want to never move my face away. I let my nose rub slightly over his skin, then kiss lightly again. I don't open my eyes until I face the truck. And I don't dare to look at him. I want the burn on my lips. I want that. And only.
- That was so desperately perfect. In these conditions, nothing could be more fitting.
I pick up Grace and hold on to her like she can keep the hole in my chest from opening. Like the scent of baby powder and slobber could somehow make that voice, those footsteps coming our way, not scary….Feet move away and then the door closes. Feet come back. I have to put down Grace before I drop her. I am shaking too much. I sit her in the highchair and walk to the next room. Feet follow me.
- hold on to her like she can keep the hole in my chest from opening… Damn!
And any other time I would just take his shit, because that is what I am supposed to do. That is the hole I placed myself in, but I'm sick of him not getting it. I'm tired of clawing my way towards the light and him putting his shoe in my face. His stupid goddamn shiny shoes.
- She’ll say something like that later, too. Like she doesn’t ‘have a right to be 'bothered' by anything Edward does.’ I don’t think Edward wants her to behave like this. I know he doesn’t. And at the end of the chapter, we know it for sure.
And we are both so screwed. We are talking about nothing and everything at once.
- I love when they do this. Saying something but actually talking about something else.
"You walk out this time, you just keep going. I'm not doing this shit with you, Tanya." And his eyes close. "Bella."
- Fuck!
I tug my arm away. "And maybe he isn't so perfect." I shove him and think I have won, but he grabs me again and I am now tossed on the couch. And he is pissed. He is beyond pissed. He is over me and my wrists are in his hands. His face near mine and if I weren't ready to tell him to get the fuck off me I would tell him to just fuck me. It would hurt and feel just as good. "You can't even give a full day a week. You can't even do that. Don't you dare fucking judge me, Bella." He shoves me further into the couch, pressing his weight to me and it hurts but I want it. I fucking want it. "Get off me." Stay. Stay. He holds tighter to my wrists and I get pissed. I know he likes it. I know he likes me pissed off. I like him pissed off too. Give it to me. Unleash it. I want it. "You are such a goddamn child, Bella." And the fire in his eyes is in between my legs and my chest heaves. I want to smack him and fuck him and bite him and push him away and grab his damn shirt and rip it off his body and cry and scream and nothing.
- I am now tossed on the couch. And he is pissed. He is beyond pissed…."Get off me." Stay. Stay… I get pissed. I know he likes it. I know he likes me pissed off. I like him pissed off too. Give it to me. Unleash it. I want it. Fucking intense… I love intense. Loved that part. That was around each other like they are made off glass. They needed this. We needed this.
My feet touch the floor. I walk back to the kitchen and my reflection is the only thing that makes me feel like I'm worth something in this moment. I pick her up and try to find more of that safety, where there is none.
- I pick her up and try to find more of that safety, where there is none. So Dani. So you. A great way to say this. Wonderful.
"So, it's like smiling at someone while telling them to go fuck themselves?"
- A perfect passive-aggressive definition. I’m soo using it.
He says nothing and disappears. After Grace is clean and dry and changed for bed, I lay her down and watch as she begins to drift into her sleep. It only takes a few minutes, but I stay here for an hour. When it's time for me to turn back into a pumpkin, I close her door, quietly. Edward is sitting on the top of the stairs. He doesn't look at me, but I know it's me he's waiting for. I take a seat next to him. His arms hold to his legs/knees. I mimic his position.
- I love Edward sitting on the stairs. I loved it before. And I love it now. This Picture has some kind of power over me. Like I felt when he was determined but not pushy. I love this kind of strenght. Saying ‘I was wrong, sorry’ is a big deal. He has this ability to admit it. When I say I am sorry, I mean it.
"Bella!" And this is the first person who has been happy to see me other than my kid. His arms, wrapping around my waist are way too strong for being all of eleven? Twelve?
- I read these words and smiled “Jacob!!!!!!!”
He doesn't let go. "Eleven. I turned eleven and you missed it, Jerk."
- Fucker. Look at this mouth.
We get to work on my apartment. Emmett helps me trim the walls up high and Jacob uses his shortness as his strength, edging the baseboards. I love watching their interaction. I love knowing that Jacob was able to find strength in Emmett and vice versa. I love that Jacob looks happy. I love that Emmett is able to be my friend and it is okay with Rosalie. I'm glad that I didn't fuck up this part. That this part is good.
- I love wathing their interaction, too.
He shakes his head. "I'm not talking about your kid. I'm talking about Edward and his perpetual lost puppy look when your not around. It makes me uncomfortable. Fix that shit, please." "Yeah, fix that shit, Bella." Emmett looks down to Jacob. "What did we discuss about not repeating things I say? You owe me fifty push-ups next time we have class." And I smile as Jacob rolls his eyes and mumbles under his breath.
- LMAO! This kis is something else. And Edward’s lost puppy look… Fucking sweet.
I shake my head. "Actually, I think she's older than him. Plus, we just had this whole section in class about how the male mind and maturity level develops much slower than the females, so, technically, she is much older than Jacob, even if she is younger in years of age.” He wants to smile. I can see it. He hands Grace over.
- Ahhh, how I love this playfulness.
"She's my niece and I will kill any male figure who comes near her."….. He shakes his head. "Nope. No need to be. As she is never going out into public once she hits puberty. Problem solved."
- Behind that logical, relaxed, controlled Edward, there is a pattionate man. And apparently, irrational. Look at this solutions.
I roll my eyes and find his smile adorable. I start to strip off her clothes and then sit her on the bathmat while I unbutton my pants. He is still standing there. "I'm beginning to think you come here just you can use my tub, Bella." I shimmy my pants down my legs. "I'm beginning to think you get a sick, perverted joy out of watching me take off my pants, Edward." I toss them at him and he catches them. He shrugs. "Maybe…I do." And my eyes lock with his. He is shitty at hiding the truth. He knows it and he looks down to his hands, playing with my jeans. "Take your time." He backs out of the doorway and leaves us to our bath time.
- Ah… I think… I think, that was a wonderful example of “unsolved sexual tension”.. I loved looking down to his hands Edward.
He shrugs. "It's just stuff. I don't care about that part." He shakes his head. "You know, I think she actually stole one of Grace's baby blankets. Talk about being low." And my face feels hot. "Uhh…that wasn't her." He turns off the water and grabs a towel for his hands. "What do you mean?" I swallow and breathe. "I um…I took one with me. Before I left for school." His face scrunches. "Why?" I shrug. I look at my fingers. "I just wanted to." That's not good enough. "I was scared that I would miss her." Try a little harder, Bella. "I did. I did miss her."
- Made me smile and remember. Do we know what she wrote in that note yet? The note she left there on that day.
When my heart slows a little, I look up. His eyes are full of questions, but he only asks one as he leans in a little, trying to find something in mine. "Who are you Bella Swan?" Breathe. Breathe. "I often ask myself that question, Edward." My legs will wobble and give out if he doesn't move away. His eyes trail down my face, to my lips and then back up to my eyes. "Will you have dinner with me on Sunday?" Breathe. "We always have dinner on Sundays." He shakes his head. He licks his lower lip. Jesus, where are you to save me? "Friday. Will you have dinner with me on Friday," he amends. I breathe and I chance looking at his eyes. There is so much scared there and I want to slap him for being so ridiculous. My lips twitch in amusement. "Are you asking me out….like on a date?"
- If this was a movie, I would break my DVD by pausing, playing and re-watching the shit out of this scene.
"I could meet you after school or something. We could do something by where you live." Now I am in full-on smile, having figured it out. "You want to spy on where I live, don't you?" And finally, he smiles too and Jesus. Wobbly knees. "Maybe." I lean my face closer. "And if I so no?" He leans closer. "Then I guess I'm having dinner with a much smaller version of you." And teasing Edward is the best game ever. "You mean you won't cry?" "Nope." "Won't be sad?" "Nope." "Not even a little bit?" "Nope." I smile. "Meet me at six." "Five fifty-nine," he counters. I push my forehead to his. "I'll be sure to wear a watch on Friday."
- Ahhh.. please.. Please write more of this playfulness. In UTAT. In another story where this playfulness a major part of the characters. You have a gift and need to let us enjoy it. Okay. You don’t need to. But we’d love to.
I stare at his tie while he looks over the menu. It is not perfect. Not by far. I want to reach over and fix it. I want to tug on it. I want to fucking…
- It makes my heart clench when they remember things from their past. It was so good in spite of all shitty parts. It was still so good. Better than some people in this world would ever have.
“That little girl Emily, she finally stopped calling me Voctor Shullen." I laugh a little. "I kind of liked her calling you Voctor Shullen." He smiles back. "Yeah, I guess it was kind of cute."
- Aww. So bad, it stuck with you.
I think that a wink to your readers, from you. We love to call him Shullen and you mentioned it here and it felt sweet.
He looks back to me, but I am looking at my hands. I am trying not to cry and I don't even understand why I would.
- It’ not easy to breath. Sometimes, a sob it easier.
He shrugs. "I'm not sure. I guess I just didn't think it would be…you?" He glances over his shoulder. My face crinkles. "Me?" "Like…this is you. The other place…it was just…generic. But this is you." I have to laugh a little. "Second-hand and used?" He smiles. "Warm. Inviting. Comfortable."
- Ah Shullen. How I love the way you see the world.
And there are those feeling I feared. "Tonight hasn't been very comfortable." And why did I say that? "No, it hasn't." My shoulders feel lighter. "I don't know how to be like this, Edward." He takes a step forward. "Be like what?" "Like this. Like normal people who just go out and date and talk about their day and plans and…I don't know how to be one of those people." Another step. "Then we'd be even." I shake my head. "We're far from even." "What does that mean?" "It means…" Do not cry. "It means I owe you a lot. It means I owe you everything. My gratitude. My apologies. My…" and he is too close. "My um…" And he's touching me. He's touching my face. His thumb. My cheeks. "You're what?" Breathe. Breathe. Sounds like I didn't. "My heart….if you still want it."
- If it was a movie, I would watch the shit out of this part, too. These “another step an done more”s always work for me. And it Shullen. With his not perfect tie. The look in his eyes. That wonderfulness he possess. I’m saying, I would break it.
There is no carefulness. There is no easy. There is no gentle. There is just hands and fingers and tugging and tongues that licks and tease and beg and my lips between his teeth and feet moving towards the closest place closed eyes can find.
- I would love to copy ever single letter from the last part of the chapter. I would… Ah… Good Lord. I need to invent something for human kind and name it after you. That’s how I love you for writting that good.
"My shrinks says we shouldn't have sex." He drags his lips back to mine. His breath hot. His voice so goddamn sex. Not sexy. Sex. "We're not having sex. I just want to kiss the shit out of you."
- *giggles*
When my clit thanks every inch of how hard and long and swollen with lust he is with every slide we make over it.
- No one could write a sentence like this but you. I fucking love you.
"So, you talk to your therapist about having sex with me, do you?" I roll my eyes, but he can't see it. "I talk to him about a lot of things." "Like, having sex with me," he teases.
- Fucker! *grins*
"I still love you, Edward. I always have. I lied you know. I was never with anyone…not that night I said it…and not when we were apart. I'm sorry I hurt you." I place my lips over the fabric of his clothes. Where his heart is still beating quickly. I rest my cheek there and close my eyes. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." … "Bella. Baby, look at me." His fingers make me. "You really think I don't love you?" Stupid fucking eyes. "Do you?"
- I know it’s the most inappropriate thing in the world but I want to hug them both right fucking now.
“Don't I?" He sighs. "Why else would I put up with your shit? Love you? I think I passed that level of how I feel for you a long time ago. It's somewhere in between being insane and…I don't know, whatever the hell would be worse than insane."
- Grinning like an idiot.
"Loving you. It hurts. You make me feel shit I don't want to feel and then you add Grace to it and…I don't want to be a bad person. It just hurts."
- After reading this, I thought, how Bella will stand closing a door and leaving Edward and Grace behind it. It would kille me to see what I could have and what I don’t. I just… thought. For a moment. That’s all.
"You want to know something. Bella?" I nod. "I think this is the most significant, serious conversation I have ever had…while having cum in my pants."
- Fucker!
"This is the part I was looking forward to, tonight."
- He’ll kill me with this sweetness someday.